Thursday, March 4, 2010
i can feel another wave of emo coming my way...
i can feel her dark hands creeping over my mind...
i can feel it all falling apart in front of my eyes...
i can feel the hate building up inside of me...
oh what will be come of me???
my existence in fading once again... and i dunno what the signs around me are saying my i don't like how my mind is understanding these signals... god save me from what i don't wanna become... the days of looking and now working with people that will not help themselves and keep making life hard for those around them... this i cannot stand... what am i working so hard for??? i know its my nature but its slowly killing my in my mind and body... soon i will just burn out and fall apart in front of them... i silently cry out for help as well as a little attention but no one hears them... for they are hidden under a mask of happiness... will she help me remove this mask and show them what the real me is like under it??? she slowly is coming back and flooding my mind with thoughts of hate and anger... but i am en bracing them for i dunno what else to do... one phase came up yesterday while eating out at macs...
i only loved people, but no one has loved me back... i dunno how true it is but i honestly feel that i am that way...
this seems like a monthly thing... waves of emo-ness...
for now, wait for sunday to get unicorn gundam??? WHY WAS I SO LATE... NOW NO MORE LIMITED ED ANYMORE... AHHHH
died at
23:49
Sunday, February 7, 2010
happy birthday to me i guess... but this years its not so happy
what drives a man to book out of camp at 1am to get home??? what drives a man to do unexplained thing bring more work to himself for on reason??? what drives a man to look back at the past year and ask WHAT THE F*** HAVE I BEEN WORKING SO HARD FOR???
well... its seems that i have been given the admin spec post in camp [the dream of many but not mine] and the lazy bum of the company gets the more important role of section commander... i can't take it that i worked so damn hard during the period i am in the coy and i'm given this f***ed up role that puts all my suffering in the pass 8 months to waste... even enduring the nagging and stupidy of that damn SSG fighting his favoritism and hate to get to where i am now... and now i can put all that training to waste by being given the post to stay in the office doing admin work and getting F***ED by my CSM... WHY did this happen to me??? is it cause i used up all my good luck for my life??? is it cause i'm just f***ed up??? is it cause i am inferior to that lazy bum??? is it cause i'm useless??? whatever the reason, its the sad fact... suck thumb again??? maybe... F***!!!!!
just to note, i only post when i'm emo... so to make it clear, my life is not all emo... only some times...
whatever...
died at
02:14
Monday, February 1, 2010
i pass my basic theory test!!!! thats all i wanna say really... other then i'm havingfun in camp and turning the big 20 in 6 days... damn i feel old
see what i mean??? haiz
died at
21:03
Friday, January 1, 2010
happy 2010...
now i post before sleeping knowing that i'm a complete losser that can't get what he wants and get hated my his peers. an unsocial freak that tries too hard to get along with others while keeping a high level of pride thats un-needed. someone who in truth is a very lonely guy that really just wants friends that stick by him and sometimes cries out for attention...
thats what i found out about myself over the last few mins of 2009... but then who really reads this and cares??? not those i care about or those i targetr this too... in fact its those that i can't give 2 hoots about who read this... oh how pitiful i am... cying in self pity...
happy 2010 btw and i hope i get the perfect grade wing zero custom i want so badly... cause material items are the only wants that i can get...
whatever... time to sleep... come selena
died at
01:51
Saturday, December 26, 2009
i'm alive...
well not really... its a lonely x'mas and i spent the night watching something i'm still amazed a watched...
well, i'm in 6SIR now after passing out form SISPEC... nothing much has changed but i can see myself becoming more open to others??? i'm not sure about that but it seems to be... well, life is still as it is, looking at those blessed with more then me with a simple smile on my face and pains in my heart. is it normal? i ask myself... i'm sure others feel the same way right? but then leh, maybe i'm just craving for stuff i can never hope to have. again i look at the circle around me and i see that i have sure a weak link with the world... am i really not worth knowing? maybe. maybe i'm just demanding too much from the world and myself. i ahve to take this idea out of my head and do something... i guess. nothing will get do if i just lay there in bed and think... one problem i see is that what ever i do, the choices i make is totally different from the main body's ideas. thus leaving me out of many key events... is it truly my fault? or must i bead my ways to suit others even if i myself find no joy in it. i cannot stand this weak link with the world anymore, but there is nothing i can do about it. the web formed is too strong ot break into. the world is somehow againist me in my choices. i can't express myself to others without a problem. can't even carry out a normal presenting of a gift. i can just look down on myself and sia at the worthless-ness that is me. i no longer know where this post is going but the ranting will carry on. i dunno what others see of me, somethings they give me this look of confusion or disgust that i can't think nothing of. sometimes they say things that really hit a core in me. my efforts are not enough to be accepted or even made known? i'll just leave it at that, there is no point loking into this anymore than i have already. all i can do now is look into the future and hope for the best...
to all those that have known me during the course of your lifes, i thank you for allowing me to exist within you even if its for a short while. even though its kinda late... merry X'mas...
died at
02:09
