Saturday, December 26, 2009
i'm alive...
well not really... its a lonely x'mas and i spent the night watching something i'm still amazed a watched...
well, i'm in 6SIR now after passing out form SISPEC... nothing much has changed but i can see myself becoming more open to others??? i'm not sure about that but it seems to be... well, life is still as it is, looking at those blessed with more then me with a simple smile on my face and pains in my heart. is it normal? i ask myself... i'm sure others feel the same way right? but then leh, maybe i'm just craving for stuff i can never hope to have. again i look at the circle around me and i see that i have sure a weak link with the world... am i really not worth knowing? maybe. maybe i'm just demanding too much from the world and myself. i ahve to take this idea out of my head and do something... i guess. nothing will get do if i just lay there in bed and think... one problem i see is that what ever i do, the choices i make is totally different from the main body's ideas. thus leaving me out of many key events... is it truly my fault? or must i bead my ways to suit others even if i myself find no joy in it. i cannot stand this weak link with the world anymore, but there is nothing i can do about it. the web formed is too strong ot break into. the world is somehow againist me in my choices. i can't express myself to others without a problem. can't even carry out a normal presenting of a gift. i can just look down on myself and sia at the worthless-ness that is me. i no longer know where this post is going but the ranting will carry on. i dunno what others see of me, somethings they give me this look of confusion or disgust that i can't think nothing of. sometimes they say things that really hit a core in me. my efforts are not enough to be accepted or even made known? i'll just leave it at that, there is no point loking into this anymore than i have already. all i can do now is look into the future and hope for the best...
to all those that have known me during the course of your lifes, i thank you for allowing me to exist within you even if its for a short while. even though its kinda late... merry X'mas...
died at
02:09
